No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
