3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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