i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
