We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize