***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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