cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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