seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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