I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
