so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I could make wine with my vomit
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
