Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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