Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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