3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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