Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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