I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
