All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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