mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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