Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
