Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
