Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
