Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
