I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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