Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drake has all the answers
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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