Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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