i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't put those talents on a resume
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
