We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
