The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
