I wish life had little blips of pornography
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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