i can't believe i had my finger in that
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize