so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
