so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
