i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This couple is walking their pig around campus
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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