I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
