This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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