On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
