i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
