I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
