I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize