Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
