Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
