Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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