i love accidental penises.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
