I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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