I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
