wakey wakey hands off snakey
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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