How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
