I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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