My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
