My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
