Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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