OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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