just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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