I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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