On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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