I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
