the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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