No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
