I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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