I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
