i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
