I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
